Hagrid's Lil' Monster
by EEL's Bad Fanfictions
Summary: Draco gets detention. He plans to kill the professor that gave him the detention with a certain special someone. Draco's not telling his father about this one…


Draco tickled his bony, thin nose with the end of his falcon feather quill. He pondered why wizards used quills and not just the basic number two pencils like everyone else. He had rotten handwriting… almost as rotten as his attitude. But that outside shell was only there to hide the sweet baby chick with tender emotions.

The only one to know of the little chicklet was his beloved… HAGRID!

Draco cursed (A/N: No, silly, not the wand type of curse, the fuck type of curse), he had just spilled ink all over his homework! This drew the attention of the beady-eyed, shrew like Flitwick.

"MALFOY!" Flitwick squeaked roared (A/N: I call it skwoard) from atop his stack of multi-colored, leather bound tomes.

Malfoy begrudgingly raised his head where he was trying to hide tears of frustration. Fearing for the worst, he spotted out of the corner of his narrowed, watery eyes a wayward exploding wizard spitball soaring towards Flitwick's tower of knowledge. It exploded upon impact, scorching the priceless books, sending Flitwick toppling to the ground like a stubby bowling pin.

"DETENTION MALFOY!" Flitwick skwoard deep beneath the dead tree rubble.

Malfoy launched up angrily, rapidly slamming his books shut. He made a less than appropriate and crude gesture with his left hand that wasn't holding his books toward the flailing and floundering Professor Flitwick.

Hermione gasped loudly from across the room.

"HOW DARE YOU BITE YOUR THUMB AT PROFESSOR FLITWICK, DRACO." Hermione screeched these words. "THAT IS MEAN." She shrieked.

Draco made the really bad gesture to Hermione too as he darkly skulked out of the room. Draco received another, secondary, disgruntled gasp from Hermione.

Draco stormed down to HAGRID'S hut. He knew the half-giant would kindly help him with all of his problems, knowing what it felt like to not fit in. That's something they had in common. Being OUTSIDERS! (Stay Gold Ponyboy)

"HAGRID!" Draco sadly wailed. "I have detention. Please help me kill FUCKwick to get me out of his detention."

"My dear beloved…" HAGRID used a really big, rough and tough thumb and moved it down Draco's beautiful, thin, brittle, alabaster nose. "We can't kill FUCKwick. He is my co-worker."

"Okay." Draco pouted. "Fine." Draco griped in a begrudging tone. He looked out a window. "Are you sure my Handsome Hunk?"

HAGRID sets down a kettle of tea. (A/N: It's the same kettle used in the Sorcerer's Stone). "Well perhaps we could give it a go. He always acts so offended when I step on him." HAGRID pauses. (Thinking to himself) "Like it's my fault I'm so strong and beefy."

"You got that right BABE." Draco vocalized in deep, husky tones. "Let's go get 'em."

DRACID (A/N: That's their ship name) plotted and schemed for days. After DRACID stopped conniving to kill Flitwick, it was the last day of detention… This was important. Because they were planning to kill Flitwick on the last day of Draco's detention.

WANT TO KNOW THEIR PLAN?

The plan was. The pretty blonde teen would go into detention as normal. But it wasn't normal. Because they were going to kill someone… Flitwick. All the Lil' Malfoy had to do was sit and look pretty while the burly, muscle-y, half-giant of a man (HAGRID) went up and Smashed and Mashed the shrew like professor's wrinkly head from behind. They were using two bricks magically Scotched taped to trash can lids that HAGRID could use as cymbals to crush the man's head like a grape.

…

Draco sauntered down the hallway with his burly BAE, splitting up as they neared Flitwick's classroom.

Draco looks despairingly at HAGRID. "I love you, my treacle fudge. You're all I live for. You're the only light in this cruel, cruel, CRUEL world. Thanks for helping me kill this guy."

From in the depths of the classroom Flitwick emitted a small squall of "DrAcO iS tHaT yOu?!"

Draco screamed in reply in a shrill voice. "YES Professor Fu- I mean, Flickwick." (HAGRID repressed an oafing giggle) "You will go around to the back door of this treacherous classroom and wait for my signal."

"Whatever will you're signal be my pet?" HAGRID cried.

Draco pauses deep in thought. He needed something that would be subtle. He looks at HAGRID. "I will do something that is very subtle. It is the most subtle act I can think to perform… BLOWING A KISS!"

HAGRID looked at him lovingly. "Jolly good mate. Now go get 'em tiger."

Draco playfully growled before prancing into the classroom.

He sat at the desk. His detention was to stare at Flitwick for an hour. He did that but only for fifteen minutes. He blew a kiss at the hulking shadowy figure looming behind the short professor, two trash can lids in hand as weapons. Flitwick gasped and put a hand to his heart. He was appreciative of the loving gesture and hastily responded in kind. HAGRID, with anger starts to smash Flitwick's head.

But he can't for a tiny house elf tackled him to the floor like John Cena against his opponents in the ring. "YOU WANT SOME OF ME?! HUH DO YOU BRUH! YOU STINKY GIANT!" Who skwoard this? WINKY THE DRUNKEN HOUSE ELF AND…. FLITWICK'S LOVER.

HAGRID sat on the ground and bawled. Draco rushed reassuringly to his side. HAGRID cried into his shoulder thoroughly soaking him within milliseconds because of his giant tears. "Why did you cheat on me with Flitwick?" Hagrid bumbled.

"WHATTTTTT?!" Draco gasped aghast. "I blew YOU a kiss. That was our sign to kill him."

HAGRID waited a second. "Oh… I forgot." HAGRID loudly mumbled.

Nearby Winky screamed to Flitwick. "Why did you cheat on me too?"

Flitwick looked at her in horror. "Baby, that was our signal to kill Draco."

"Oh yeah, I too forgot." Winky exclaimed.

Everyone stood up.

Draco cried to Flitwick. "You were going to kill me?"

Flitwick looked sternly at the boy. "Yes. That's why I put you in detention. I should ask you the same thing. You were going to kill me?"

"Yes. Hagrid is going to help." Draco responded.

Winky looked at all the other people. "We won't tell anyone of this if you don't tell anyone of this."

"Okay," they all agreed. "We won't tell anyone."

They all pinky-sweared and left the classroom casting suspicious glares over their shoulders.

(A/N): Once again. This was just for fun


End file.
